Grief and friends…

The past year has been so stressful and painful.

My best friend got hit by a car in February in Birmingham.

I caused so much rubbish and hurt my family.

I lost a friend that I didn’t want to lose but knew I had to.

My best friend’s mum harassed me and bullied me.

Now this doesn’t seem like a lot, but still to this day it’s so painful.

When people lie about you it’s horrid it’s so horrible because 1. You can’t believe they’ve said it 2. You’re scared people are going to believe it.

I moved schools for sixth form and a month into sixth form I met this girl called Brooke. She lied so often, and caused so much drama it made my anxiety worse. She also lied a lot so when she said something and my parents or friends didn’t believe her I would stick up for her and cause myself to fall out with friends and family.

Only in my second year in sixth form did I decide enough is enough, I saw through her lies and a lot of things didn’t add up. My AS grades were bad already and I really didn’t need anymore distractions or drama so I cut the friendship.

My best friend, Zoë had been hit by a car on 24th February by a van in Birmingham. She was on her way to school. I messaged her 30 mins before it happened saying I would message her at 8.30am because that’s when I would be at school…8.30am was the exact same time the accident happened.

Her cousin messaged me in school, now I thought this was a prank, a horrid horrid prank. Turned out it wasn’t.

Now me and Zoë weren’t allowed to be friends, my fault that was. And I regret it so much so so much. I loved her to bits! And I still and always will do.

She was always always there for me even though we weren’t allowed to meet up. We were in separable, we confided in each other and led each other in the same way. Even though the tension and threats to our friendship was high we never let it get to us.

School was her escape from home. Things at home for her were not great at all.

In the end she moved to her fathers for a fresh start and a new sixth form. We still messaged 24/7 and cried on FaceTime that sixth form wasn’t the same as high school, and that we wished we could go back in time.

So that day when she went was so hard. I waited around waiting for Zoë to reply to my messages. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s hard to try and get over something you’ve been used to for so long!

I honestly love her so much! So freaking much! I miss her so much!

Still to this day, it’s so painful to think about. Even though I didn’t see the accident happen, it’s still so painful. Knowing I’m never going to hear her voice, see her again or receive any messages from her. Even her phone number has been blocked. I will never share my stories with her, see how each of us has grown up and made grown up decisions. Share life stories. NOTHING, I HAVE NOTHING OTHER THAN MESSAGES AND A NECKLACE AND A BRACELET AND A FEW PHOTOS TO PROVE HER EXSISTANCE.

She was such a strong person, she lost her younger brother and he grandad she was such a strong person and always saw the best in people. So ironic that when it happened she wasn’t strong enough to pull through😫.

It just teaches you to love something as hard as you can and don’t stay angry for too long as you never know when anyone is going to be taken away from you.

Now her mother…she was nice to me. She was in all honesty. Until she started writing immature statuses on Facebook mentioning my name and trying to get other middle aged adults to message me.

She spammed me in messages calling me a “f**king b**ch” and that I should’ve never been friends with Zoë and that Zoë never liked me and we were never friends. This happened twice within the space of three months. I keep telling myself that she’s just grieving which yes she is but that’s too far for grieving.

All last year I was at a whole new low, and actually considered ways to go. But then I thought Zoë went, and when she went it caused so much pain for everyone which wasn’t done on purpose. If I ever decided to go there would still be pain but it would be purposeful pain, and I can’t do that…

It’s was a horrid year, and I’m hoping this year will be a much better and stronger year.

Filled with so much love and independence and an 18th birthday for myself. I have come a long way, and I’m not as an angry person as I was 6 years ago. I’ve stopped counselling so I guess that’s a plus.

I’ve learnt who my true friends are and have such a loving boyfriend who has supported me throughly. Even my parents trust me again and my relationship with them is being built up.

Cheers to 2017?🎉🍾

yours sincerely, Maddie🦁🖤