Exams and emotions

All this week I’ve had mock exams, ready for the actual exams in May and June.

My first exam, went okay so I’m hoping for at least a D in my AS Accounting. In my A2 Accounting…well what can I say I literally just panicked, grew very angry and refused to continue with the paper. I couldn’t help getting myself worked up.

My last exam, my music exam, went okay. You have to write two small 13 marks essay at the end of the paper followed by a HUGE 32 MARKER ESSAY?!

My exam was going well until the 32 marker came and my mind went blank…I couldn’t remember anything! Go crappy memory!🙄

So, once again I got worked up and couldn’t carry on. I looked at the clock and I had finished an HOUR EARLY!? …so I just had a nap instead.

I know I tried the best I could, just dreading the results. I just want my mum to be happy with my results and sometimes even though personally I think I’ve done well in them she makes me feel very little and not good enough.

Yes there’s always going to be room for improvement, but no need to put me down.

This week I’ve wanted to scream and hit something so badly.

On Sunday just before my boyfriend walked through the doors mum was shouting at me and just stressing me out, so whilst I finished cleaning the kitchen I made him wait upstairs in my room. As soon as I had finished I collapsed on my bed next to him crying. All I wanted to do was leave and never come back, staying in cooped up in my house is not healthy anymore. I need more independence.

I mean yes I’m considered ‘spoilt’ or ‘well off’ compared to other people but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel really shitty.

This week hasn’t started off well at all, I self harmed because I felt so lonely, I was getting horrid messages and I felt like I wasn’t in the right body. I didn’t feel me.

But on Saturday I’m going to my very very good friend’s birthday meal, she’s so blonde, intelligent and gorgeous and I’m so proud of everything she’s done so far! Including passing her driving test. She brings me happiness! So I have that to look forward to!

Today I’m okay. I will be okay.

At some point I will be okay. My parents know nothing about how I’m feeling, every time I try to tell my mum something or how about I’m feeling she says I’m attention seeking so I just close up and refuse to tell anyone.

Tell you what though having a boyfriend and trying to hide the cuts are a lot harder than thought.

I just want to say I’m not looking for attention or attention seeking, no one who I know reads my blog, other than this one person😉. I just want to get it out into the world without anyone knowing who I am personally or people pretending they feel sorry for me or just call me out and saying I’m faking or pretending or attention seeking.
Anyway, I think this is a suitable end.

Yours sincerely, Maddie🦁🖤

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