I’ve mentioned Zoë a few times now.

She’s been on my mind A LOT lately. So I thought I’d shed some light on her.

Zoë was born 25th September 1998. She had gorgeous dip-dyed hair, brown eyes and cute nose.

She was gorgeous. So gorgeous.

Zoë was amazing, such an amazing woman. She looked after both her little brothers.

She learnt what death was at a very young age, first her grandad whom she was so very close with going then her younger brother suddenly passing too.

Zoë, she came across as very confident, deep down she was a wreck. She self harmed and had suicidal thoughts.

There came a time where Zoë had me on FaceTime very late at night. She was at her nans home alone, she had a stack of paracetamol tablet packs on the table where she was sitting. She was uncontrollably crying as she pushed tablet by tablet out, downing tablet by tablet too.

I felt so hopeless and physically sick. Maybe, just maybe if I hadn’t caused tension between her family and my own I’d be able to tell my parents what was happening and go over and help her. But, no. I just sat and watched her, I was crying and so shocked that I hung up on her.

It’s not everyday you see your best friend, your soul mate try to commit suicide.

I rung her back and she was crying so much she threw up. So she was okay physically after that other than being drained, but mentally she was still a wreck.

Zoë told me she had planned it all out, apart from how she was supposed to go. She even wrote a letter to each, individual person explaining how much she loved them and that she was so sorry.

It was horrid, and so heartbreaking to see her in this state to the point where she doesn’t know what else to do other than end her life.

I told her I’m getting in contact with a counsellor and she became so defensive and screamed no, so that got nowhere.

She was bullied at sixth form, had a controlling boyfriend who refused to get on a train to see her or buy anything for her, and her parent was very controlling and put a lot of pressure on her.

Zoë was my sister, now you’ll always hear this from best friends. But she honestly was she was the sister I always wanted but will never have.

No matter what I did she helped me keep sane, if I cried she cried with me. If I was after school alone, she would stay with me no matter what trouble she would get in. Even if I was in the wrong she would stick up for me. Her words were beautiful and intelligent she always reminded me she loved me:

“Maddie, you are so beautiful and intelligent and funny and no matter what life throws at you, even though you say “i’m done”, you never actually give up, ever. Especially with me, so thank you, thank you for never giving up on me, even when i made it so easy for you to just leave me, but you didn’t. Thank you for making every day bearable and better, thank you for making me laugh so much that it hurts and making me cry with happiness, thank you for crying with me when i cried, thank you for hugging me even though we both say no to hugs when we’re about to cry because we say it only makes it worse, thank you for having my back when i’ve got yours and thank you for being you. I honestly love you so much its incapable for being expressed in words. So keep going my african pom pom because you’ll make it one day and all of this fighting will be worth it, i’ll be there waiting for you. You be my army and i’ll be yours💪🏼 we’ve got this girl.”

But, we haven’t got this have we Zoë?  We have nothing now, you’re gone, you’re not here to cry to, to tell my news to, for me to help and listen to you, for us to secretly meet up. I still can’t believe she’s gone nearly now a year on.

She was my soul mate. And now a part of my soul has gone.

I keep thinking she got what she wanted, she got to be with grandad and her brother Maxxi.

But why did she leave me?!

Selfish it may sound, but honestly if I didn’t have Jacob I don’t know what I would’ve done. All the pain I’m feeling right now, reminds me of when my grandma died, but ten times worse, as it’s fresh and I’m much older than 7 years old. I’m never going to see, hear or laugh with them again.

I hope you’re okay Zoë. I love you so much. Forever and always.

Yours sincerely, Maddie🦁🖤


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